“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
That stupid look on my face, is my face
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*puts my mental health in rice
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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