Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Body by cheese-puffs.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair