Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Not my job 😂
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.