The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Delightful if true: booby trap.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”