I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs