And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad