When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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When I said I liked it rough.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Mhm.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.