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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
How wrong was this guy?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?