Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE