me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”