Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…