Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!