Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.