I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.