Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
describing stardew valley
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever