With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
waiting for halloween be like:
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
meow
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake