The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You Might Also Like
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”