*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
When they try to steal your moment.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
#catsoftwitter
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
How about daylight saves us for once
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.