[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.