Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.