Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Chicago sounds lovely.