detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Google Pay be like:
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Donkey Kong sommelier
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.