NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
You Might Also Like
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
fixed it
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.