(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.