The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.