my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.