Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Holy moly
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.