I’m already scared
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.