Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My current situation
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
so much to do
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.