therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.