Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness