well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.