Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Never forget.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you