you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
You Might Also Like
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
tis the season
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire