One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs