I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Merry Christmas
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.