Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes