You Might Also Like
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.