Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“Huge”.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
me refusing to leave twitter
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast