Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
there has never been a better use of this meme
I am never leaving this website
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
crazy
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”