Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT