Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
You Might Also Like
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14