Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
You Might Also Like
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.