Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.