Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Thinking about Jeff
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.