[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.