My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.