One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay