Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Self-cleaning conscience
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.