MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
In banana years, I am bread.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet